I once used to ask myself, do I really love God? Does all my praying counts, do I even understand the meaning of ikhlas, if I do it all without knowing the meaning of lillahi ta'ala?
How do I know I love God, if I don't feel anything that urges me to praise Him or to put Him in my first priority? And if I should, how could I do that?...
Believe me the thoughts have given me a comprehension, that being a moslem is not as simple as doing 5 times praying or completing the Rukun Islam. Not to mention the effect that it caused you. Because we have to make sure what we get when we reach or become something. Does it give any good for us? does it give any good for others? Does everyone get the benefit of our decision? Because if the answers is no, then why should we changed? Why should we hijra?
Ok, first of all, I'd like to share that to believe in something that is invisible is not an easy thing for me. There is tough process, long journey to accept God's call, so many ups and downs when it comes to faith. Not because I don't believe in God, but sometimes it's not easy for me to understand the meaning of His answers to my prayings, or people's praying.
God doesn't always give what we want, and sometimes we are puzzled between what we want or what we need. Because we seem to need everything we want. We seldom count the blessings we have, the things like family, love, health, etc. I know this won't be easily accepted by those who doesn't believe in God, but I don't know how to feel grateful and who to thank if I feel that way if there is no God. Thanks mother nature? What is mother nature? It's the place that we live in. What is the place that we live in? It's the earth. What is earth? Despite of its uniqueness, earth it's just a planet just like any other billions of planets in the universe. How can we consider something to be superior than any other similar things?
Trust me, the gratitude feeling is like an implanted program in our body system. Every person guaranteed has this.
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9 June 2021
So, I think I discovered God when I started to pray 5 times a day consistantly. Believe me it wasn't easy. My colleague had to ask me every praying time just to get me pray with her. And I often said no.
But I guess God wanted me to be close to Him, so He made me sad, that made me need Him. I guess I was too proud to tell my friends that I was broken. By love, career or financial matters.
So I came to God, as a trancendental being, planted with unconscious feeling of dependency of a greater power beyond our being. Without believing enough that that power will help me, I just did it because I didn't know what else to do, or just to spend my clueless lifetime.
I asked God forgiveness almost every second, everytime, if I hadn't forget. But whenever I remembered, I said astaghfirullah, on my way to work, when I was working, anywhere at all except restrooms or bathroom, on and on and on.
I don't know how, but eventually, in about six months, my prayers had been answered. My life suddenly felt easier, I felt happier and things just getting better.
I finally got accepted in an office that quite near my home, and although I had to lose my mother just a month after I worked in that office, but I know my mom felt relieve and happy by the time she left this world. Knowing that I got a better job that didn't make me come home late again.
Six months after my mother died, I met my husband. And my life had never been the same again.
I never stop thanking God for my new life, my husband, my mother in law that feels like my own mother, also our last child from this marriage that never stop bring us joy and happiness.
Sometimes I wonder, just what had I done that make me deserve all this bliss?
I don't know. Perhaps the answer is, the 5 times prayers as a start. Although it all started with unwillingness, but God still pays me with abundant bliss. Can't thank Him enough.
Recalling that journey of faith of mine, now tell me, how can I not love God? How can I not thank Him? So many miracles that I had experience, how can I not bend over Him?
How can I not depend on God? How can I not afraid of Him? Those experiences just make me realize the power, the mercifulness, the love, of a mighty substance beyond our thought, beyond our consent, there is the one and only, the Almighty God that rules the universe. All hail God.
Subhanallahu walhamdulillah wala ilaahalillallahu Allahu akbar!
First created Aug, 2018.
