just a thought

When home alone

2010-05-20T03:07:00.001-07:00

I don't know whether it's worth to be shared or not, considering that I heard this from the apples of my eyes, and everything they say or do are always funny,cute and touchy to me...

But hey, this is my page anyway..:D

Yesterday gotta be the most stressed and probably most touchy day I've ever had. Since we lost our maid just 3 days a go, it's been like a "chaotic situation" in my house.
While my kids had just got home from school, my mother who has to do her routine hemodialisys went to hospital with my dad and the driver. For information, my dad usually only accompanies and does a little this and that while the maid prepares the dress change and some other things.

But yesterday, since there's only my dad in the house, he did everything. From changing the dress, put on the diaper, did some make up to my mom and those some other things that supposed to be done by woman.

I thought one of my sisters came and did those things, because my dad didn't say anything like he was in trouble. So when I found out that no one came, not until it's time to went off (my sister in law finally came), it really broke my heart.

Not to mention what happened to my kids afterward.
My kids came home just at the time when my mother went off to hospital. They were told to go and stay in my sister's or my brother's house, with their cousins. So, they went there. I and my mother and my dad thought they were saved. Until I found that there's something wrong when I dialled my nephew's numbers, no one picked it up.
I was panicked at the office. But I tried to stay calm. I kept on calling my dad, and unanswered too for unknown reasons.
Until an hour later my dad sms me and told me that the kids were already in the house (not my sister's or my brother's house).
What??? But there's no one at home! Who's supposed to watch them???

I called my kids and it was the eldest who picked up the phone. Without any sound of scarry or anger or whatever, he slightly said that he and his sister already tried to go to one of my siblings houses, but no one at home also. So that's why the phones were unanswered, I thought. I told my son and his sister (who was sleeping when I called) to stay in the house and lock the door until someone (a family off course) come.
It was already 2 pm, and I was worried about their lunch, although I had prepared some chicken nuggets on the table before I went to office in the morning.
I asked how did they get into the house? No one told them where the key was hidden. But apparently my daughter knows where my dad used to hide the key, and it was she who opened the door, after they had been wandering around between my sister's and my brother's houses. My son told me that there were no less than 10 times they'd been knocking at their aunty's and uncle's doors! (Hyperbolic, off course)

So, you could never imagine how I felt yesterday knowing that your 7 and 9 years old kids-who used to be arguing all the time when they're together-stay home alone, with no food, only some nuggets on the table. I had told my sisters about this actually, to watch my kids and feed them lunch while my mom and dad in the hospital. My sister, who (probably) had told their children too about watching over their cousins because she had something to do outside, and my cousins, who (probably), had been completely forget about it. :D

And what really touched me was when I called in the evening (around 5 pm) and my daughter picked up the phone, she said that it was raining, and she and her brother had to pick up clothes in the rain, although some were missed because they couldn't reach the height. She even apologized to me..oh My!

I was very touched, not to mention when she said that she had put off the TV and plugged off the antenna cable due to the thunders. Then she also said that she was starving, the nuggets are eaten already and they're running out of snacks.

I know that lots lots of kids out there are more tougher than my kids, but knowing that my kids could take care of themselves without supervision, it made me really proud, despite of the stress I had in the office and on the way home.

So I guess it never a waste to keep on telling our kids about things to do at home, like no switch on gas stove, don't watch TV when it rains hard, lock the door and don't talk to strangers,put on the lights when evening comes, and last but not least, to pick up the clothes when it rains...hahahaha...

Oh...I'm so in love with my kids...and really have no idea why I write this in English, with an abominable grammar =)))

My Life

2010-03-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

it's been second week of March 2010.

I feel so grateful that I had a chance to look back and found out that I had been through all of this.
You see, for the past 6 months my life has been quite a parade. Seriously.
So many activities, so many things happened to me.

I just read my last blog about my latest romance with ........., who now has become a good friend of mine. Well, since the tragedy back on August 2009, I and him still keep in touch and whenever we met in some occasions, he treated me nicely. All my feeling to him has gone, and now I am happy that we have become good friends.

the fact that I lost "my appetite" to him maybe had a correlation with another love I found..hehehe..
Let's say that I had a crush with another guy, and we had been together for at least 5 months, until a week a go when I decided to leave him. I've tried to hold on as long as I could, but apparently I couldn't. He's just too demanding and possessive to me. I couldn't live with someone who tried to inspect me all the time. This break up is a total ruin for me and him, but we had no choice, that was the best option.

I had a week of mourning, crying, aching, and contemplating. But now I am back again with smile in my face and a relieve that finally I have gone through this.

Now I'm feeling like a reborn, a whole new & interesting life is in front of me. After 5 months full of emotion, all I cant think now is thank God, thank God, thank God.. :)

love in the 30 something

2009-08-24T03:29:00.001-07:00

it's been quite a while since the last time I wrote in here. I don't know why, but I guess the fact that I've made a vow about the spoken language here kinda made my mood stuck hahaha

well. Let's see. Not so many things happen to me. There's still the three of us, still no "father" thing in our little kingdom. I still live in my parents home, and my kids are still adorable :)
ow..I forgot, now my little princess has been in 1st grade of elementary school...in the same school of her brother.

I think this August has been the best month for me so far. Not only that things seem to run smoothly in my work & family, also finally I had a chance to fall in love again. After so long, I finally able to love someone. I thought the love era of me had been passed, and I will have to live without tasting love anymore. I've been in love before, off course, but that was long before the marriage. And the marriage might have been born love, if only one person stick to the vow and not leaving what ever it takes.
yeah, story of my life.

OK. I met this guy last month when he played ****** in a club. There were a party, call it Some Band Nite, and I was having wonderful time there. I haven't aware of him yet, but I knew someone was watching me, and I knew he's kind of cute.
About two weeks later, I finally had a chance to talk with that guy. His name was quite beautiful in my ears and I felt like as if we had had known for so long.

After the event, he messaged me and we had a chatting time. We sent sms and we called each other about 3 times a day. He often asked me to go out, but I hadn't say yes, not until the 3rd time he asked.

So, the 3rd call, I finally melted and despite of my unready shirt, hair & everything, I did go out with him.

I guess what old folks told us about the first impression is totally right. I found myself kinda surprised to see him neatly dressed, with a hat that put in order, and the hair that supposed to be drop in some place accordingly. Whatt???!!!
I suddenly freaked out..and looked into my own dress etc. I wore a shady red shirt, that might add 1 or 2 year of age in my appearance, my hair was oily (I put a vitamin in the morning), and my shoes were unbelievably ugly...

meanwhile, he looked SO PERFECT...
damn!

however I had to get through but nausea quickly trapped me and to make it worse, I couldn't help sweating..Oh My God..I don't have a problem with my body odour, but being in front of a man that you like so much it just not enough. you have to be SPLENDID, ladies!
this thought made every minutes felt like hell and I was sweating even more, successfully made him nervous too, since late in the afternoon he said something about fixing his car's AC..yeah..I guess I dropped his confidence too.

So..how could I ever think about food in that situation? Food is the LAST thing that comes to my mind, after wishing the world would swallowed me. at that time, that choice seemed quite logic.

But we have to stop by, since he was starving to death and ready to eat 2 plates of Nasigila (according to himself) so I picked the only place I knew it served lots of foods.

At that restaurant, I made my first mistake. I left him and went to the restaurant without waiting for him. WHAT the hell am I doing that for???? @##$$$!!@##
The waiter offered us the seat, 1st floor or 2nd. I knew 2nd is smoking area, so I chose 1st floor even though the seats were less romantic. But somehow this guy I liked so much told me to go upstairs. I think he realized that 2nd floor was better. So unlike common girl who asks for her "boy" opinion..I guess I skipped that part..hehehe..

I ordered a noodle that I didn't even think of eating it, while he ordered a nasigorengkambing. He was so polite when his food came first, he waited for me...even after the waiter came and told me that the noodle has run out, so I ordered somay (which turned out to be a bad..bad..choice)
I want to write here the way he ate. He ate so neat, from the outer circle to the inner...bit by bit.
meanwhile I couldn't even swallowed my somay that tasted HORRIBLE.

After chit chatting some unromantic topic, he spoke the most, I just smiled and said a little this and that. I created a "must go home" look. Not only because I couldn't stand the smell of the restaurant, it smelled funny, I also couldn't hear no more of his conversation. NO MORE TALKING BOUT MUSIC PLEASEEE...I guess if we were allowed to scream in the 1st date, I'll be screaming that for sure...

so exactly 8.30 pm, we went home. I asked him where would he dropped me..since my home is so far away from the city (I'm a very nice girl you know, don't wannabe a burden), he answered that he would take me to a "nearest" drop-by from my home. Ok.
When we passed a cafe where it sells the most dangerous coffee, he straightly stepped on his brake and asked whether I'd like to stop by. So I understood, he thought night still young and would love to spend more time with me. But somehow, that night was supposed to be my dumbest night or whatever, I REJECTED the idea of stopping by in that glorious cafe.

so...we went home. :(
He played our favorite band during the trip in maximum volume and I guess that was THE BEST moment actually. I didn't want it to be over...
When we dropped by a gas station, he offered me his band CD..with 'promotion only' on the cover. Again...nite of the spongehead I guess, I refused it and told him instead, "I'll buy in the music store later". WHATTT??? I would never do that...even he knew that...aaarggghhhhh....he knew that his band plays awfully-commercial music and he knew that I hate that music...so..where is my manner???

OMG OMG OMG

Finally we reached "the nearestplace from my home" spot. I said bye & thanked him. just like that. I could see the annoyed face..but what can I do. I did successfully turn a supposedly romantic night into a disaster.

well...I guess that's the end of my love story...the not-so-mature-30something love story...

hehehe what an idiot...

I'm at peace with life

2009-03-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

As a person who has life like a roller coaster (lots of ups and downs in quite short time), I have now set my heart in a neutral mode.

This way, life would feel fine, not glamorous, nor pathetic. Convenient, but still full of hope.

I don't know whether this is called as maturity, or just a self defense effort to avoid the emotional shock that has ever ruined my life.

Back then, I was very emotional, highly sensitive and terribly selfish. In wrong direction, I could be dangerous and deadly (in term of mental-killer).

But those days are over now.

I found that life is not about winning things. It's more about achieving and sharing. At the end, no one would be happy by defeating or hurting other people. Especially if they were persons that love or used to love us.

and one more thing, I realize more and more, that happiness is only real when it is shared.

There He Goes Again

2008-09-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

He came again, messing my thought and bring back the memories.
Memories I’ve been trying to let go.
Whenever he came around, an old sentence pop up:
He loves me, he loves me not.

He keeps on making my heart in disguise,
Tell him, tell him not.

And it’s been 16 years.
I grew some fat, he grew grey hairs,
But we are still teenagers in love.

Damn.

Very Cloudy Days

2008-09-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

Here and now, my brain doesn't work properly, my feeling tremble all the time. Everytime I think about a figure, my heart wounds and my eyes start to drop some tears.

These are the days of uncertainty, the days of clouds darkening the sky. The days that I couldn't find out what first thing to do and what should be wait.

I don't even know how to pray.

Every evening when I dropped by to hospital where she's been taking care, and everytime I stand by her bed in ICU room, I hardly ever hold my tears. Yet, I don't have any idea what to do or to pray, knowing that myself is not a very religious person.
I know that God understands, and I keep on believing that God wouldn't do anything to harm my mom but only for her own sake.
I keep on whispering words to her, about the house that has been taken care, and my kids that she has nothing to worry about.

But I don't know how to pray.

I always feel useless and all I can do just stare at her with a swollen eyes and a belief, that God will settle things up, as usual.

I knew He would.

I just knew it.

The Question

2008-05-23T01:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I finally have to face the question.

It is the question that I've been trying to avoid so hard. The question that makes my heart melts and my lips numb. It was about 9 pm in the evening and I told my kids to go to bed. Suddenly my little princess, asked this question, "Mommy, why Dad never came home again?"

I tried to neglect the question, but somehow, a thought came across my mind and say that I must deal with this. The kids must know the truth. However, the truth might a bit difficult for them to understand, so I create another lie.

I told them that Dad was on sailing, for in definitive time.
I really don't know how to explain this to them, I'm just expecting that by the time goes, they will understand the situation automatically.

I took a glimpse on the eldest. As usual, he was just silenced when someone asked about his father. I don't know whether it's because of his feeling, sad or hatred, or he’s just acting ignorant. I somehow saw that actually he also would like to know, but he might try to hide it, as if he knew that it’ll bother me. I don't know. All I know that the eldest is different from the other kids I’ve known, he sometimes looks like hiding or playing something in his mind.

When the princess already slept, I found that her brother still awoke. So I asked him the question that has always been bothering me either.

“Baby, have you been asked about your father in school?”

My son looked at me, then he looked at the ceiling. His pretty eyes blinked and he answered,

“well, yes mom…I have often being asked about Dad”

“and..?” I replied

“ummm…I don’t know how to answer that question, mommy..” he still played with his pillow, and suddenly he asked me ,

”where exactly Dad is, mommy? I never knew where he was, so I usually don’t answer that question” he said.

I felt so sad about my son and my princess that they have to deal with this problem that they don’t have any clue about it. It’s clear that I couldn’t say that Daddy doesn’t love us enough that he left us without notification, right? although perhaps, it may be the correct answer. I tried to think as creative as I could, but I failed. Finally I just said that next time, if my kids were asked about their father, just say that he’s on sailing abroad. I know that it didn’t satisfy the eldest, but I just can’t find a better answer.

I just held him tight, and whisper,

“I’m sorry my love, mommy also don’t know where he is…but I’m sure that he’s thinking of us…” I held him even tighter.

“Is it all right for you, if you only got mommy without daddy?” I asked curiously,

“it’s all right mommy…I love you”

His answer sounded like heaven in my ear.

Show Biz

2008-03-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about the showbiz industry. I think the world right now is about to be ruled by this kind of industry. How many films that been released around the world every year? how many songs ? how many bands that have been established? how many photo sessions taken every year? every month? every day? OMG, there are sooooo countless....

the booming of this industry has make a new civilization to the latest generation. Call it movie stars, music stars, pop singers, rockers, models, you name it. Nowadays we can see there are so many children want to be super stars when they're grow up. I still remember when I was a kid, me and any other kids in my neighborhood (some village in Jakarta) would say that we wanted to be doctor, engineer, nurse, police, army someday. Not much of us that willing to be a super star. I don't want to generalize it, that's why I said, in my neighborhood, a little village in Jakarta.
We thought that superstars like movie star, singer, model, would be inappropriate, unclever, and showed that you don't have enough brain to learn how to reach those academical ideals. Yeah, that was my time, year of 80 - something.

I don't know, call me conservative, but this phenomenon worries me. It freaks me to see the talent shows with sms in almost all of TV station. My God! how much money we've spent for the sms? why don't TV make a more useful show with sms thing, for, let's say, organize a fund for our brothers and sisters who got disasters in their home town? with 2000 rp /sms, I think it's a very easy way to get money to help them.

When I think about that, I feel very sorry about my country again. I feel upset about how my brother & sister in showbiz industry created this condition and ruined our national moral.
Just one example, to describe how this showbiz world rules the latest generation, when I was in high school, about 15 years a go, there were some extra school curriculum like basketball, karate, taekwondo, science, red cross, nature lover, vocal group, flag troop (I don't know how to say it in English), etc that were offered to us. The composition of the students that joined the groups was almost the same in number, but nearly 40% joined the flag troops. It was so classy when you were chosen to be one of the flag troop, the member were so proud and had certain privilege or something. But now, I asked my nephew that goes to the same high school, what is the most popular ext-school recently?

his answer: vocal group has reaches 70% of the popularity, and he is included in that percentage.

URAT MALU

2008-03-27T03:37:00.000-07:00

aaahh...today i feel so fresh!

In spite of a terrible woke up this morning because of yesterday journey to Banten, I found that working in office create such a refreshment to me..

It started with an email in one of the mailist that I've joined. Usually I seldom read the posts from this mailist, because the contents are mostly about maotivation..bla...blaa...bla...about becoming an enterpreuner..bla..bla..blaa..yeah, I am just like millions of employee around the world that struggle to be an IBO (Independent Business Owner), always dream to be one of it, but keep dreaming about it, because we're to busy to swim in the sea of deadlines...

skip it,

Anyway, the subject was interesting, something about "urat malu" and other words, I forgot..(sorry :-P) . It's about a story of a person that sells stuffs like blankets etc, well, he actually a person with a high position in his office, selling stuffs like blanket would certainly embarrassed him, but he insisted to keep on doing that, because he, eventhough he possesses a high position in his office (as I have told you before), he still dreams of becoming an IBO.. funny,huh?

skip it again,

He did sell the blankets, he always talked blanket whenever he met other persons, in his trips, in the airplanes, restaurants, even in the break time of a business meeting, he talked about the blankets that he sells. He went door to door to his relatives and friends, brought the sample blanket to offer them, and although he always ashamed whenever he offers the stuff, his mentor's words (the blanket agent), always strengthened his mental.

After some times, he finally did a remarkable selling, the order always comes until oneday he couldn't supply his costumers because of out of stocks.

He still works in his Company, but he feels free now, because there is no more worries of getting some terrible things like "Efficiency". Someday, he said, he will be a total IBO, a full Hands Above (hands above is a term of people who can pay/support another"-taken from Al Quran, "...hands above is much better than hand below") that he's been dreaming of, but the dream is much more real to him now.

so what's the moral of this story?
I bet everybody already aware of it.

Now I know what I want do.

I have decided that I will try to sell blankets too, like he does :-)

MORE ABOUT

2008-03-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Tual is just a story,

Actually, I am a kind of person who is very sensitive & easily get emotional. When seeing movies that touches my heart, I easily cry a lot. this is the list of some films that successfully made me cry:
1. Gladiator
2. Braveheart
3. Hopefloats
4. Pay it Forward
5. The Last Unicorn
6. Marina
7. I am Sam
8. The Green Mile
9. The Perfect Storm
10. etc (countless!)

this habit doesn't stop on films. Reading a book can make me cry also. this is the list of books that successfully made me cry:

1. Tenggelamnya kapal Van Der Wijk
2. Madam Wu (Pavillion of women)
3. Layla Majnun
4. A Thousand Splendid Suns

I also can be very touch, if I see such scenery or beautiful panorama like green hills, streams, sunsets beyond the horizon, I can feel my heart swollen and couldn't speak a word but God's name.

Even walking in the village & looking at rice field can make me spellbound. Once I walked with a friend in a road surrounded by rice fields side by side in Cianjur, a city in West Java. I was so hysterical to see such beautiful scenery, with rice field over here, and over there was tea plantation, green and fresh. Sometimes we crossed bridges with clear water runs below, another time we met some people carrying wood for their stoves. Village people were so friendly, they always gave smile and would like to do anything to help us.

Every place has its own charm. When I had a chance to visit Borobudur, I got amazed at the temple. Its huge size and beautiful details, accurate measurement, (it was build in 800 AD!). Too bad I couldn't spend more time to adore more of its beauty because of limited time. But I praised the Lord for giving me a chance to visit one of miracle of the world.

I love this country

2008-03-17T01:46:00.000-07:00

this is my first writing.

I just want to convince more (to myself, actually) that I really, really love this country. I may not be very proud of being Indonesian, because of the characteristic that we have, but...I really, strongly, love this country.

Why do I have to say that? how does it effects me?
Off course it has effects on me. After having the experience of so-called reformation, I think I had forgotten how to love this country. I used to jeer at the former government and without giving solution, I put aside my enthusiasm of this country.
I in fact, have ever planned to stay at some other country which I think better than Indonesia. what a fool.

Until I had a time to travel some of this country beauty.

First, because of my work, I had to go to Tual, South East of Maluku. It's located underneath west papua island. All of my life, I never heard about this place, and suddenly, I have to go there.
So I did took a 6 hours of flight, and when I got there, I found a humble small city, clean and ready to be explored.

Tual itself actually a harbor town, but the size of its harbor was amazingly small. The people there is close to Papua than Ambonese. and they're friendly. One thing that I captured is they're very in touch with politic development. (=melek politik :P)

Anyway, going to Tual is not complete without visit the Pantai Pasir Panjang. Although it's the most famous beach in the region, but it's still virgin. What made me spellbound was the sand. It was the whitest, smoothest sand I've ever seen!

I had a chance to swim there, the water was amazingly clean & clear. the wave was friendly, and some of my friends just floating on the water. it's beautiful. the coconut tree, the sky, and the length of the beach were wonderful, so peaceful..

when I got to the quay wall, I looked up to the bottom of the wall, and almost histerical to see so many colorful fish in the water...because of the clearwater, I can see them swimming gorgeously . It was a very rare scenery from where I came from.

I have ever heard some people said about the beauty of eastern Indonesia beaches, and I couldn't be more agree with them.